Talks

 Today, I was talking with my brother. now I get it why I found that's why I choose to not share my problem with others. I always feel that no one wouldn't get it. until I talk with my brother. we faced the same problem but how we act is different. I was surprised that he actually feels the same. we care about our family but neither he nor I never showed it. but today we talked and I think it was a great talk. I was hopeless and kept all of it by myself. but he told me he was scared too. he is scared. but he keeps trying. indeed, he is more mature than me. I was trying to run away but he is not. he said mostly the people at our home is above 40 years old. but the only support is just my aunt. she is the youngest from 5. she is our pillars. she gave me a place to stay, pay for my tuition, help my brothers and sister. she did it all alone. she has her own family, a married man with 2 children. she must have had it hard that everyone is depending on her. she must be has a hard life too even with that money. she indeed earns quite a lot but mostly spent on us. I also have another aunt, the oldest but she has no job. she cannot earn her own money and always make my grandmother worried about her. also, I have one uncle from my mom's. he is sick, he cannot move or do things normally like other people. people said it has to do with his nerves, he hurt his ankle when he was a kid, and because they had no money, my grandmother brought him to get a massage instead before the hospital. when he was a grown-up, he takes medicine to ease the pain but it worsens his diseases. he is 40 now, and have no job too. and my mom.. she is re-married after she divorce with my father, and she is blessed with 2 children. unfortunately, their married is not too good. there're too many problems and her husband cannot find a job. my mother makes a living by making cakes. she said she feels sorry to me and my brother that she can't provide anything. I was stressed by it, I am stressing about it that is why I feel hopeless sometimes and feel like I couldn't do any help like I'm just a nuisance. until now I still don't know if my life is worth living or not but I want to help my brother. we shared the same feeling, if I die won't he feel hopeless too? I don't want him to be more stressed. he already had enough, he regrets enough like when he couldn't even visit my father at the prison or hospital. the last he saw him was a dead body. it pains me a lot to saw he cried. he once in that state. I don't want him to cry over my body and feel hopeless, like everything he does is meaningless. I don't want to destroy his spirits. I want to help him to help this family. to make a stable future for my brothers and sister. no burden for my grandmother and mom. I want to show the world to all of them. even though after we reach those goals I wouldn't know if I could find a reason to live anymore. but for now that's all the matter I should do.